I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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