I am spending my child support on dildos
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
