it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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