My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
bring money and cleavage
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
