Only a mothe r could love this liver
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
