Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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