i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
