you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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