this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
