everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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