I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So here I am, sexting at work.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
