do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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