FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
