the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i already hear my dad disowning me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
