If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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