apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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