i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
