Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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