I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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