So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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