You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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