Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
