wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
