she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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