She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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