Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
