the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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