It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
