Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
