Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
