Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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