so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
