is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
