i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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