sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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