I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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