Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
