i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
