if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
