wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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