I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
