Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
