i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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