Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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