just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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