I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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