Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
