I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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