Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
