All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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