the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
