I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
