Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
