My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
