Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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